Mitch McConnell
Addison Mitchell "Mitch" McConnell Jr. is the senior Senator/Sea Turtle from The Commonwealth of Kentucky and the new Minority Leader for the 110th Congress. You can tell he's a great Republican-American, because he's got a "Jr." at the end of his name. Mitch Has Friends in Coal Mitch McConnell really loves the coal industry. I mean, like really. A lot. He's one of their very best friends. Whenever the coal industry falls and scrapes its knee, Mitch is always there, like a good Dad ready with a bandaid and some ointment and a "you'll feel better soon, kid." Mitch Has Friends in Tobacco He's good friends with the tobacco industry, too. But don't worry. He'll always be tighter with coal. They go back, baby. Way back. And all the way down. Coal is Mitch's homes, yo. Mitch Has a Friend in His Wife Mitch McConnell also deeply loves his wife, Secretary of Labor, Elaine Chao. Mitch and His Wife Help Their Friends in Coal When Mitch needs to help his good, good friends in the coal industry cover up a little oopsie on the scale of say, the Exxon Valdez spill, it sure is great being married to the head of the Labor Department. Labor oversees OSHA, and the Mining Safety and Health Administration, and all sorts of other useful oversight bypass valves. Mitch and Elaine, who really understand what makes America run, know that those pesky hippy liberal tree huggers always slow down the works with their demands for "investigations" and "regulations" and "resignations." Fortunately, Mitch and Elaine know that tree huggers tire quickly (and fact huggers more quickly still), so if you just ignore them long enough, they'll eventually head down the road in search of a veggie macrobiotic burrito somewhere else. Mitch's Friends Till The (Political) End Besides, it's Kentucky, remember? We're not talking baby seals here, people. The worst that can happen is some fish die, a river gets polluted, or a hillbilly gets just a teeny weeny bit inconvenienced. Does anybody give a shit, really? Admit it: Kentucky is America's Africa, almost as much as Rhode Island is. Are you even sure it exists? Mitch McConnell isn't, and he's the Senator of Kentucky. So you don't have to worry about it at all. Mitch McConnell is a man with a lot of friends. The Republican Party is Mitch's friend. The Coal and Tobacco Industries are Mitch's friends. Jack Abramoff Business people and Lawyers are Mitch's friends. Mitch's wife Elaine is his very special friend, and they love each other sooooo much. They are both bestest good friends with the Greatest President Ever, whom they also love sooooo much. More than you can possibly imagine. Friendly Fracts About Mitch McConnell *Wounded his optic nerve during his service to his country (in the reserves, primarily consisting of training, and lasting only a period of 6 months) and was given honorable discharge. Hooah! *Had courage to speak out against and cock block non-binding resolution. *He supports our troops and he wont support cowardly tactics like cut and run. *He is the first man-turtle hybrid to be elected into office External Tubes *Lies! Un-american traitor claims republicans more concerned with 2006 election over America's national security *Mitch McConnell ask troops to sacrifice their lives to win the 2006 election *Mitch McConnell ready to Impeach Obama *Mitch McConnell supports the free market and free money *Mitch McConnell sees the light! No more free money! (we are still getting that free money, right?) *McConnell fails to stop communist government from seizing nukes *Gay Army takes over Congress. McConnell dies on an agonizing sodomizing death while trying to stop gay tentacle rape monsters